This Is Where I Leave You

It's been a while since I sat down to write something. Nevertheless, opened my laptop and just start pouring my thoughts into this blog. To be honest, I am not sure if I can finish this or should I just go back in bed and curl my self up into a ball and just drown myself in my pillows and pretend I am not feeling anything at all. But I will try my best to finish this while my thoughts are rushing through my mind like rain pouring steadily on the pavement before they completely go down the drain.

As a matter of fact, I am not even sure if I want to talk about it and share it. But I feeel like this is my avenue for releasing my stress and expressing how I feel. While I feel like just closing my self and distancing myself from every other living creature that walks the earth , I also am, deep down inside aching to scream and let out every single emotion that have been pent up inside me for the longest time!

So here we go.

The past couple months have been an ardous challenge in my marriage, making a personal oasis essential for surrvival. It's been overwhelming for the most part and I feel lost and drowning in an ocean of mixed feelings and emotions.

So many times, people have no idea what you are feeling. I know. I have been there. I am quite still there, to be honest. You feel you are broken beyond repair. You feel worthless. You feel unworthy.

Ok, so at this point, you might be wondering what in the world am I talking about. What is going on?

I am going through a divorce.

There. It's all out.

Yes, me and my husband of 4 years have decided to pull the plug and live our separate lives. Why? I am not quite sure I want to share the details as it is very personal to me and the feelings are still fresh and raw. Also, out of respect for the life we did share together, I want to leave personal and private things to just between him and me. Let's just say that we have discovered that we do not want the same things and it got harder and harder for us to compromise.

It is never easy for a woman to walk away, especially after she's invested so much of herself into making it work. Just know that by the time I did finally decide, I had given it countless chances and debated the idea over and over and over-at least a thousand times over. I never would have hought of just simply giving up without a fight. I fought and I gave everything I could possibly give and offer.

I am exhausted, I am frustrated and totally heartbroken to have to walk away from a man who, deep down inside I still love and still willing to fight for. So why, you might ask - because I deserve better. Selfish? Maybe. But I deserve better. I deserve to be loved deeply, fully, completely and passionately. I deserve to be known and accepted and I deserve complete trust.

Me letting go, doesn't mean that I don't care or I never cared enough because I did. It's just realizing that the only person I have control over is myself. I cannot control his thoughts, his feelings and his reactions and that was for the most part, the most frustrating. Not because I wanted to control him, but because I wanted him to have control over his thoughts and emotions and trust that I have always been on his side. His partner. His better half. Trust that I got his back all the time.

The transition is difficult, as change often is. But I believe that endings are also beginnings and that many aspects of that evolution is bittersweet. It is a scary feeling. Even as I write this down, I am scared and unsure of myself and what will happen in the future. There is that lingering fear inside me that makes me question if I can make it out there on my own. I have always been an independent woman before I met my husband, self-sufficient, free and focused. I let my self be vulnerable when I married and depended on the security that my husband had offered me. I let myself be cared for and provided just as a good wife would. And in return, I tried to give him the comfort of a home and a dutiful wife to come to.

But endings should not be sad. Easier said than done. Rather, they should be a celebration of something beautiful. It gives us a better perspective of life and relationships and what we can learn from it. It does sound good but in all hoensty, it is quite hard. I do slip into major loneliness and sadness a lot of times. Thinking where everything went wrong and what I could have done to change it. But it is what it is. I had to stop blaming myself or him because it was never just the fault of one person. I have to move on. I have to pick up the pieces again and hopfully put it back together. I have to go through the pain to heal the pain. And I am in the process of healing.

The past does not melt into the abyss, part of it stays with us forever.

It becomes a part of us. Part of our being. And it is up to us to use it to our advantage to make better decisions in the future. Better choices and hopfully better relationships and beginnings.I guess there is no need to know the reason for why everything happens the way it does. We never question the good. So why question the bad? Just trust that what's meant to happen, did, for a reason. And keep moving on.

I am forever grateful for the experiences and the life I shared with my husband. I have learned a lot. I have been loved, cared for and taken cared for by this man who will now be a part of this chapter of my life that I have to close. I have no ill feelings. I have no hatred or neither do I blame him for all that has been said or done. Instead, I feel regretful. I feel sorry that it had to come to this.

Still, I will be forever grateful for each moment that we shared. For each moment in the present and the continuation to the imminent future ahead-without him.

Feeling somewhat grounded for the first time in relative ages, I am slowly making a new space in my life. And it is an undertaking. It is a challenge that I am willing to take. My heart will hurt a little, but that only means my feelings were genuine. As time passes, the pain will start to be more bearable each day. The pain will make me stronger.

It took real feelings and thoughts, laying them all out on the table. Talking about it is never easy. It will never be easy because I am still going through it and I am still healing on my own time..my own terms.

Some day, when I can tell my story and it doesn't make me cry, that's when I know I've healed.

But for now...

This is where I leave you.

Xoxo,

Karen