Ma, This One's For You

It's been two years since we lost our mom to cancer and today would have been her 61st birthday. Truth is, it still is her birthday. When you lose you mom, so many days of the year hold so much importance for you now- your birthday, Mother's Day, her birthday and various other holidays spent with family. There's always something missing on those days. Prior to her death, I never really gave much thought to how her birthday would be like once she was no longer here. The past couple years has not been easy. The first time, I guess, will never be easy but the next ones doesn't necessarily mean it will be easier. Maybe, I don't know.

For most of us, the holidays, special occassions and birthdays are a time to be with family, but unfortunately, the aspect of these clebrations also makes it more difficult when you have just lost a loved one and you are spending it without them.

When grief is fresh and facing the season without your loved one, the cheer of the holidays, special events and birthdays can seem particularly unappealing.

I have been mustering the courage or even the energy to start this day for the last couple of days now thinking that it would be her birthday. I have learned that grief is a tricky emotion. It can hit us when we least expect it. But this morning when I woke up, I decided to be open to whatever comes up for me this day. I woke up and all I could think about was how badly I wanted for her to be here. To still be alive. So I can greet her a happy birthday, send her flowers or treat her out to a nice dinner at a nice restaurant.

Today, on my mom's birthday, I celebrate the gift of life my mom gave me. I will fulfill the dreams she had for me and the goals she had always wanted me to achieve. I celebrate how hard she pushed me for it and how she had given me the drive and motivation to do better. I celebrate her strong will and endurance. She had been through a lot even as we were growing up as kids, but she got through it. Even when she got sick, she fought. She fought hard for her life. I celebrate that strong will. I celebrate how hard she laughed at small and silly things. I celebrate her fine taste when it came to the way she dressed herself.

She is and always be my mom. And just as my birthdy is a celebration of my birth and life, her birthday is a celebration of birth, life and legacy. "No More" is the saddest thought of all. Logically, our loved ones never grow a year older, although logic does little to clear up our confusion when their birthday continues to happen year after year. Someone we love is gone, but we find that even in death, their birthday still belongs to them, there's no such thing as "no more"as long as we're here on earth to remmber them.

I choose to believe that for our loved one's birthday, for however long years they've spent on earth, was set aside for us to celebrate and honor them. And even though my mom is not here now, the day can still belong to her. I do feel pain on this day because the fact that her absence is magnified. But I have decided that I won't let that be a reason to dread this day instead of celebrating it.

So Ma, this one's for you.

Happy Birthday!

I love you!

XOXO,

Karen